Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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