Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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