She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
