Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
