Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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