I puked a lego.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize