My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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