just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
