shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize