Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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