I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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