my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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