Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
