he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
