I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
