How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
