Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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