I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
