I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
