If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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