just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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