Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
