Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
