I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
