just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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