Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
