After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
