I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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