I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
