My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
