Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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