Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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