highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I AM VODKA MAN
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Pooping to opera.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
