After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
