I want you more than these girls want KFC
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
