I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
