I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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