I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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