The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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