Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
