i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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