there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
