I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
