She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
