gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
