there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
