I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
