Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
