im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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