She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize