I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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