Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
