Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Let's get the cat blown out
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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