I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
