I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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