i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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