im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
