I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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