I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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