Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize