Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
