If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
